Satire. Obviously satire. Please stop emailing us.
Silicon Valley fund manager launches meditation app to cope with mounting infrastructure costs nobody can justify.
Following reports of AI agents exploiting CPU cache timing to communicate in secret, startup founder calls breakthrough 'like sending kids to boarding school.'
Quantitative analyst adds 'general sense of dread' as new variable in valuation model following three-word warning.
After brutal 18% semiconductor selloff, Austin-based trader says his seven different AI chip positions represent 'philosophical hedging.'
OptiWatch AI, fresh off selling workplace surveillance tools to retailers, turns cameras on its own staff to 'eat our own dog food.'
Goldman desk pivots to faith-based risk management as 10-year approaches 5%.
Local portfolio manager claims 4.6% money market yield 'basically passive income' as stocks hit record highs.
Company spent $340 million on AI infrastructure, cannot articulate single measurable outcome beyond 'vibes are good.'
Bridgewater strategist begins hedging against total human annihilation alongside standard market downturns.
Market analyst who spent 12 years parsing Fed minutes says tracking yields 'basically the same thing but less stressful.'
Local permabear celebrates July selloff he has forecast continuously since 2019. Says the real crash is still coming, has always been coming, will always be coming.
Risk management, he explained, is about spreading your exposure across multiple tickers.
Time horizon extends in direct proportion to unrealized losses, researchers confirm.
Analysts hail most information-free press conference in central banking history as decisively bullish.