VOLT WIREUS MARKETSSPY 747.03 +0.72%QQQ 687.99 +0.65%DOW 52,485 +0.53%BTC 63,390 LIVEFUTURES: ES 7,519 +0.63%NQ 28,404 +0.59%DOW FUT 52,635 +0.49%GOLD 4,107 -1.29%WTI 84.67 +1.29%VIX 15.99 -1.10SOX 11,311 +0.07%EQUITIES & FUTURES: FRI JUL 31 CLOSEFOLLOW @VOLTDISPATCH ON XVOLT WIREUS MARKETSSPY 747.03 +0.72%QQQ 687.99 +0.65%DOW 52,485 +0.53%BTC 63,390 LIVEFUTURES: ES 7,519 +0.63%NQ 28,404 +0.59%DOW FUT 52,635 +0.49%GOLD 4,107 -1.29%WTI 84.67 +1.29%VIX 15.99 -1.10SOX 11,311 +0.07%EQUITIES & FUTURES: FRI JUL 31 CLOSEFOLLOW @VOLTDISPATCH ON X
The Funny Pages

Local Degen Diversifies Into Three Different Leveraged ETFs Tracking the Same Index

Risk management, he explained, is about spreading your exposure across multiple tickers.

3xSPX3xSPX3xSPX

Satire

A local trader announced this week that he has finally gotten serious about diversification, allocating his portfolio evenly across three different 3x leveraged ETFs that track the same underlying index.

You do not want all your eggs in one basket, he explained, gesturing at three baskets that are the same basket. If one of them has a bad expense ratio day, the others are there to catch me.

You do not want all your eggs in one basket, he said, gesturing at three baskets that are the same basket.

The trader, who describes his risk tolerance as aggressive but responsible, went on to describe his hedging strategy, which consists of a stop loss he moves lower every time it is about to trigger.

At press time he was researching a fourth fund, describing it as uncorrelated because it has a different logo.

SATIRE NOTICE: This piece is satire from The Funny Pages. The people in it are not real. The behavior absolutely is.

More from the desk

CRASH SOON
The Funny Pages

Man Who Predicted 14 of the Last 2 Crashes Warns of Crash

Local permabear celebrates July selloff he has forecast continuously since 2019. Says the real crash is still coming, has always been coming, will always be coming.

2026-07-29 · The Desk
long term now
The Funny Pages

'I'm a Long-Term Investor Now,' Says Man Down 60%

Time horizon extends in direct proportion to unrealized losses, researchers confirm.

2025-12-03 · The Desk
The Funny Pages

Fed Chair Says the Word 'Data' 47 Times, Markets Soar

Analysts hail most information-free press conference in central banking history as decisively bullish.

2025-10-29 · The Desk